The difference between chemistry, closeness, and platonic intimacy

Many women come to me because they are dissatisfied with their friendships, and when they evaluate their friendship history, they struggle to pinpoint exactly what's wrong.

We unpack a few different areas in an effort to gather some kind of understanding, and during that process, I realize that the issues lie in our inability to differentiate between three really important concepts: chemistry, closeness, and platonic intimacy.

Some of us use these phrases interchangeably, but knowing the difference and acknowledging the nuance will actually equip us with the understanding we need to engage our friendships in a more meaningful way.

So what's the difference?

CHEMISTRY: A natural, organic rhythm or spark

When you have chemistry with someone, you have a certain flow that seems to flow without a second thought. This is something that you can experience with a woman you've met for the first time at a party; it can be instant. This kind of rhythm might lead to genuine friendship in the future, but having an easy flow with one another does not necessarily always translate into a friendship.

Chemistry may be fleeting. It is often indicative of "fast friends", but it doesn't always guarantee a healthy, long-term friendship.

[For more on how to know you form "fast friendship" (but not necessarily healthy ones), we strongly encourage you to read Fighting for our Friendships: The Science and Art of Conflict and Connection in Women's Relationships.]

CLOSENESS: a sense of connection achieved through self-disclosure, knowledge, and understanding

When you are close to someone, it's because you have a knowledge of them, and you sense an understanding of who they are because of that knowledge. When you gain information (and feel you understand that information), you feel a sense of closeness.

But a sense of closeness can waver, especially during times of conflict.

Conflict can feel disruptive to the information and understanding you have of a friend. We learn about a person's conflict style, boundaries, values, level of love for us... and getting that new "information" forces us to recalibrate what we know of a person, and during this time, we may not feel close because we don't seem to understand them according to the mental model we once held.

Other things that can impact "closeness" (knowledge and understanding):

• when your bestie begins to share her major life milestones with someone other than you

• when you're evolving and you feel your friend just doesn't "get it"

• when you haven't talked to a friend in a really long time

• when your friend begins to adopt certain worldviews or behaviors that you can't support

It's possible to have chemistry without closeness (a spark without real knowledge), closeness without chemistry (knowledge and connection without the spark).

But when it comes to platonic intimacy?

This is something that I think a lot of us want to experience in our friendships, but we stumble along the way to get there.

PLATONIC INTIMACY: we can be who we are, while allowing the other person to do the same

Harriet Lerner puts it this way in her book The Dance of Intimacy:

"This requires that we can talk openly about things that are important to us, take a clear position on where we stand on important emotional issues, and that we can clarify the limits of what’s acceptable and tolerable to us in a relationship."

"Allowing the other person to do the same means that we can stay emotionally connected to that other party - who thinks, believes, and feels differently without needing to change, convince or fix them."

"Intense feelings, no matter how positive, are hardly a measure of true and enduring closeness. It is only in long-term relationships, that we’re called upon to navigate that delicate balance between separateness and connectedness and that we confront the challenge of sustaining both."

When you push past the awkwardness of (healthy!) conflict, you may come to finally experience platonic intimacy, because your knowledge of your friend deepens in new ways.

And when she allows you to be yourself (and after seeing new sides of yourself), she'll experience intimacy with you as well.

When there is (healthy) conflict and you no longer feel close, do you withdraw from the friendship?

• Are you on a hunt for friendship or chemistry?

• How do you know when a friendship's begun? When it's over?

• What things make you feel close to someone? Is it easy for others to feel close to you?

The first step towards experiencing greater sustaining satisfaction in our friendships is understanding the difference between these three concepts.

If you're looking for both tangible and conceptual guidance to create and deepen your female friendship, then buy your copy of Fighting for our Friendships today. You can also work with friendship expert and friendship coach Danielle Bayard Jackson by joining our exclusive group coaching program, Friendship Elevated. (next cohort launches February 2026).