Why are we so obsessed with spotting "fake friends"?

It won't take you long scrolling Instagram, listening to a "girl chat" podcast, or even just talking with a friend to hear the topic of "fake friends" come up.

But what is sparking the recent fixation on pinpointing these relationships in our lives? A few things, probably. Let's get into it.

First, let's be clear. This is not necessarily something that's exclusive to women. There are whole Spotify playlists dedicated to the theme of fake friends--that men and women are listening to with regularity. This isn't a topic that is gender-exclusive.

But let's start by anchoring this conversation in the definitions of 'genuine' vs. 'fake' so we're all on the same page.

Genuine means that something is truly what it is said to be; authentic. Fake is something that is not genuine; counterfeit.

Keep these things in mind as we dig into four theories for why women are especially attuned to identifying fakeness in friends.

1. Identifying "fake friends" keeps us safe.

Women tend to integrate their friends into their lives to the degree of a sibling; men to the degree of a cousin. We deeply involve and embed our friends into our lives. Because of this, we're trying to make sure from the very beginning that there isn't a risk of letting the wrong person inside of those intimate boundaries. So when we meet someone new and she's exhibiting kindness, some of us may find ourselves internally asking if the kindness is a genuine reflection of her character and her motivations, or if the kindness is a performance to achieve some other goal.

Dr. Joyce Benenson has evaluated the differences in how men and women cooperate with each other, as one of the original researchers of gender. She theorizes that the reason why women are so sensitive and highly attuned to certain "social violations" and risk is because the woman has to be whole. She's carrying life; she is very important to the village. So according to Dr. Benison's theory, women have to be a little tender and sensitive to harm. We have to be hyper aware because we need to be whole.

So in this context of "fake" friendship, we want to ensure the safety is there, that we don't let in the wrong people--so we remain whole.

2. Some women really are pretending.

It unfortunately is just the truth: women do pretend a lot. Which sounds bad, right?

Sometimes, yes, it's done with ill intent. But often times it's to avoid certain social consequences. We pretend to be okay with the haircut because we don't want to look like we're being difficult. We smile and nod because we don't want to look too angry at work. To some degree we feel like we have to be "ok" or "good" with things in order to survive or to not have social consequences.

We recognize this occurs with other women because we do it ourselves. We want to appear cooperative and agreeable. But this can lead to a nagging wonder if other women are being that way with us. And we might be especially sensitive to it and on alert because we know that pretending is something that women often feel they need to do to survive and thrive in this world.

3. "Community" is often commodified, making women suspicious when someone claims to offer it.

A third reason we may be on high alert for identifying fakeness early on in friendships is because of the growing commodification of community. We go into more detail about this particular subject in this article.

Brands, in particular, are turning to the word 'community' in their marketing. And because people are using that language in order to get something from you (and it's not actual, genuine community), it can put us on guard.

A woman could exhibit behavior that, on the surface, seems kind. She's offering gestures of support. But because we recognize that people sometimes do that for their own gain (and not necessarily to cultivate a friendship), we're on high alert for people trying to pass off phoniness and counterfeit friendships for other objectives.

4. The Word "Fake" is Being Misused

Remember, the definition of fake is counterfeit. "Fake" is not a catch-all term for us to use anytime a friendship disappoints us.

Not meeting certain expectations, being unable to attend a birthday dinner, or a one-off comment not landing well do not (necessarily) equate to a fake friendship.

Fakeness implies she's passing herself off as something else or purposefully misrepresenting herself. It doesn't mean prior obligations or a misunderstanding led to us feeling disappointed. Sometimes we reach for that easy word, "fake," rather than asking ourselves if we're the ones misinterpreting a situation.

Could these things occur from an inauthentic place? Absolutely. But we have to use discernment in these situations, because many times they don't stem from ill intent.

If we pay attention, this tells us something: genuineness is something women hold in high regard. So if we know this--how do we position ourselves to attract genuine, female friendships?

We're diving deeper into it over on Patreon. We'd love to have you join us!